escape yourself and gravity

I think it's pretty obvious I've been on a deep fandom hiatus this summer. It hasn't really been intentional. This summer seems to have been full of stuff, from Merlin getting sick and having to be put to sleep forward. Merlin, then vacation, then a migraine that wouldn't quit, then our long streak of days over 90 and without rain (we broke the 1936 record for Indiana), then... Of course, I know life is always that way. We have to decide what's most important to us and what's less important. And this summer, I've realized that I actually enjoy not spending every waking moment at the computer. I miss the friends I used to spend a huge amount of time with online, but I've also gained richness from spending time with family and kittens and face-to-face friends. And I've enjoyed spending time working on my original fiction, which is something that has both been enhanced by and been detracted from by my fandom involvements. Writing fanfic has made me a better writer. Working with beta-readers online has been better for me than four years in a Creative Writing program at university. But at the same time, I've written hundreds of thousands of words of fan fiction, and probably more of that, at this point, than my recent original fiction.

So this week I've really been thinking it over, and I have finally just come to a decision. As of right now, I'm pretty much done with my active participation in fandom.

This doesn't mean I want any of my friendships within fandoms to go away. I love all of you, and I want to keep you. But it does mean I'm not going to take on any new fanfic obligations. I'm going to be resigning from most of the stuff I've done. I'd still like to make sure the CM Exchange happens this year, and I should probably be talking to last year's people and trying to recruit someone who can continue in my place for next year's exchange. I will also be filling some obligations that I have been regrettably slow in filling (yes, charity auction winners, I'm looking at all of you). I'll still read and appreciate other people's fanfic on a smaller scale. But I don't plan at this time to create any more of my own.

The thing is, I'm turning 35 soon, and ten years ago I had a minor birthday meltdown because I hadn't sold any of my fiction. And now here it is a decade later and I STILL haven't sold any of my fiction. And you know what? It's been my own fault. I haven't tried hard enough. I haven't polished enough. I haven't submitted enough. And I'm tired of that. I'm tired of the feelings of self-doubt and self-criticism that go along with not having done what I always meant to do. I'm tired of not doing what I know in my heart I'm supposed to be doing.

So my fiction has to be made into a serious priority at this point. And I've been doing a much better job of that this summer, thanks in large part to having slightlyjillian as a writing/revising buddy. But I need to take ownership of my writing career (or lack thereof) and decide to make it what I want it to be.

This probably won't surprise anyone. I've been largely absent all summer, and while I've been gratified to hear from people reading older fic, I obviously haven't been contributing anything for months.

So anyway, I'm not saying goodbye to you all. After all, I left the Harry Potter fandom years ago and I still have lots of HP people around. But if anyone was just sticking around for the fanfic, I won't take defriendings personally.

I love you all.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.