escape yourself and gravity

I am falling asleep in my cubicle. Literally can NOT keep my eyes open.
It's so embarrassing...but I just want to sleep. I am going to bed at
9:30 tonight. I can't keep feeling this way all morning. It's even
cold in here today, and you'd think that would help me stay awake,
but...no.

The doctor's office called yesterday with my heart results. Guess what?
I have periods of tachycardia! *rolls eyes* Yes, we knew that, didn't
we? They want to do more blood tests, but said it could be put off
until I have insurance.

Some random things:

- I can't stop chewing on my lips today. They are peeling, and it's almost a compulsion to chew chew chew. It's annoying, and it's just a symptom of the fact that I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my own skin today. I don't know where that's coming from.

- My heart is doing its thing today, which it hasn't done for about a week. Blah. ETA: I think it's very likely that caffeine consumption has affected this today. I took Excedrin earlier, and combining that with the Coke and Dr. Pepper I've drunk so far, I've consumed about 413 mg of caffeine since 7:30 this morning. x.x

- It's freaking cold in here today. I'm wearing a tank top, long-sleeved shirt, and sweater, and I'm still frozen. I need some fingerless gloves for typing.

- OMG NANOWRIMO STARTS IN LESS THAN 48 HOURS! I AM SO NOT READY!

- Outlined my entire SnuSa fic today. Yes, I've got it about a third of the way written, but I decided outlining it would help me write it faster. That tactic has always worked with NaNo before.

- I have three fics in various stages of almost being ready to post. I can't believe this--THREE. From the girl who is usually antsy as hell to get things posted ASAPOMG! *grin* One of these is the fic that was originally written for pervy_werewolf.

- D--- said she does want me to come in on Monday, even though A--- will be back from maternity leave. I'm more than fine with having one more day of getting paid. I need to remember to call Kelly this afternoon and let them know I'll be available for assignments soon.

- I have now received three letters from the USDA letting me know my application has been received. No wonder the federal government costs so freaking much. Three letters for one application. LOL

- I want to go home.

- I hope my copy of Northlander is in the mailbox today. I'm absolutely dying to read megburden's book.

Oh, man, these days have been so long this week. And yet I know the weekend will be shorter than heck. Today I came in, made some phone calls, spent about an hour and a half goofing off (writing stuff), then N--- asked me to help her with some issues. So she gave me those and I worked my butt off clearing things up. It was a big stack, and I had to go through each paper and see if it was a pricing issue to send to B--- or a receiving issue to send to the storeroom. Then I did other invoices and keyed releases for the blanket POs. Fought with the photocopier, and I defeated it, though the copier later seems to have taken its wrath out on D---. Now...I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs, because I have nothing more to do, unless I start in on the stuff I was saving so I would have something to do Monday. Gah. Which would I prefer, to be bored now, or to be bored Monday morning? Monday mornings kill me if they're boring.

In other news, my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) bloodwork came back well within the normal range. My doctor sent me a printout stating just that...and that's all she sent me. So I am wearing the heart monitor, and the adhesive for the electrodes is ruining my skin, and I have no idea what we're looking at to cause these heart spells. *sigh*

And thesnapelyone is leaving me this weekend. Woe.

Man, I am so tired this morning. I went to bed early, though I did read in bed for a while. But I'm not sure I slept well. I'm utterly exhausted today, and the weather made it dreadfully hard to get out of bed. It's cool, blustery, and rainy, and now it's dark when I'm leaving for work, which makes it even less appealing to get up.

I just reread Pocketwitch's Snupin fics. I really love those fics. One of them is the sort that makes me smile with giddy glee at the end. Aren't those the best sort?

My Pervy Werewolf fic has a problem. It's not very pervy. >.> I'm not sure yet what to do about this.

A--- stopped by yesterday and told me she's coming back to work on 5 November. The interesting part is that no one here has told me that, or said anything else about it. Are they just going to come to my cube on the 2nd and say, "Oh, by the way, we're done with you"? *snort* No word yet on the position here I applied for, or the outside job. Though since the outside job is with federal government, there's no telling how long that will take.

Stupid heart is pounding again today. I overheard one of our HR people talking about how someone on the production floor was going to have to wear a heart monitor, so I showed them mine so they'd have an idea what it was like. Every time I call the place to transmit recordings, they remind me what day I take this off. I'm like, dude, I've got over three weeks left. You don't have to tell me yet.

I haven't got anything too interesting to say. I've been feeling sort of blah all week. As much as I love autumn, and enjoy NaNoWriMo, I always end up getting depressed at right about this point in the year. And this year it's worse. *sigh*

To do tonight

• Muster up some energy.
  
• Gather upstairs trash
  
• Prepare submission to Weird Tales
  
• Work on Snupin Santa fic
  
• Finish revisions and send Pervy Werewolf fic out for beta.
  
• Measure Room of Doom closet for shelves
  
• Work on map of Teronn
  
• Work on map of The World
  
• Wash reds?
  
• Post Redemption installment
  
• Go to bed by 11. hahahahaha
  

Monday I had a doctor's visit to find out about the heart issues.

( Testing, testing, 1, 2... )

I think that acknowledging this has made it worse. My heart's been acting up all morning, and it is icky. I have made an appointment with my doctor for Monday morning, and have found out that Mom is on Thyroxine, which is for hypothyroidism, which can be related to this, so I have something to tell my doctor when I see her.

Now if I can just find out about assistance in paying for it, I'll be golden. I just can't ask my parents for any more money. They've given me so much money since I lost my job last year, and even though I'm currently paying every bill but one, that one bill is the $500 debt-consolidation loan payment. So they've probably given me over $10,000 in the past 18 months.

I hate this. I absolutely hate this. I have been working since I was 16 years old, and I babysat for years before that (yes, despite my loathing for children). From the time I turned 16 until I turned 18 I had summer jobs, because Mom & Dad didn't want me working during the school year. When I went to college, I got a part-time job and had a part-time job with more hours in the summer for every semester of college except the one where my car had been totalled right after I quit a job because he wanted me to change my class schedule to fit his work needs.

After graduating from Purdue in May of 1998 I worked 30 hours a week until January of 1999, when I got my first full-time job. From that point until April of 2006 I worked full-time constantly, except for about a month and a half between the Linden job ending and the Frankfort job starting.

Now, that said, I confess that I don't like working full-time. I frequently joke that I was meant to be an heiress, and I definitely enjoyed the time I spent drawing unemployment and just working around the house. But the thing is, I have always paid my own way. I don't like taking money from my parents. I don't like having to approach my dad for money to cover things. I mean, the man dropped almost $600 on tires for me this summer and about $250 for brakes, as well as covering all my regular expenses.

To be honest, I didn't like turning 30 while unemployed, but I'm not liking my 31st birthday much better right now.

The good news is that there's a full-time job opening here where I've been temping, and it's a pretty high-ranked job, but D--- (who supervises both me and the open position) has told N---- that she would consider me an inside applicant for the job. It's crappy hours for most people, because it's weekend night-shift. For me, who voluntarily stayed up until 6 am and slept until 1 pm or so, during the unemployment months, the hours would be ideal. (Of course, I still haven't managed to catch her when she's not busy to talk to her myself.) Those hours are what may give me a fighting chance at the job. Very few people are actually going to want to jump into that job. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that.

Regarding my birthday, Mom's been telling me I have to decide what we're doing. Well, in the meantime she's apparently been prodding at Dad about a plan that she has. So I told her what idea I came up with, and she said she couldn't tell me what she has in mind. So I said she gets to pick. Which means I have absolutely no idea what we're doing tomorrow or this weekend.

I did get a birthday card from Gedna, with $20 in it. She wrote my first and last name, and then "I love you" but didn't sign it. So I thought that was pretty good. But then I found out that she called Dad this weekend to find out if she'd missed his birthday. I would have thought he'd told her no, she sent him a card back in August when it was. But this week he got a card from her in the mail that said, "I hope your birthday left. Love you. Mom." And had another $20 in it. So he netted $40 out of her Alzheimer's this year. (Then again I suppose that makes up for last year when he didn't get a card or a happy birthday at all, when he took her out for lunch on his birthday.)

*sigh* Life sucks a lot of the time doesn't it?

For the past several months I've been having these weird attacks. I don't think they're anxiety, because they happen out of nowhere, literally. I am working away on something, not thinking about anything beyond the task at hand, and BAM!

Heart begins pounding out of nowhere
Shortness of breath
Light-headedness
Dizziness
Weakness


Of course, then I get scared, which does nothing to make it better. I literally have a hard time staying in my chair. I've tried breathing into my cupped hands, resting my head on the desk, putting my head between my knees... My mom gets similar attacks, but even though her doctor made her wear a little portable sensor thing for a while, they didn't find anything. I know mom's mother had a heart murmur. I also have pretty low blood pressure, and my mom I think has an iron deficiency.

I'm about at the point where I'm ready to call my doctor even though I have no insurance. I don't know what this is, but I want it to stop. I've decided, as of today, to cut my caffeine intake, even though today I haven't had any more caffeine than I did yesterday, so I don't know that that's related.

Blah. I suddenly just want to go lie down, but I don't have the energy or presence of mind to drive home.