FIC: The List (1/2), Hotch/Rossi, PG-13
Nov. 27th, 2010 07:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
innerslytherinTitle: The List (1/2)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innerslytherin
Recipient:coffeecocktails
Pairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: PG-13
WC: 12,880
Prompt: Hotch realises he's making all the same mistakes with the man he loves as he did with Haley. He decides to try and put things right.
Notes: This was written forcoffeecocktails for last year's ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
cm_exchange and I never remembered to repost it after the reveals.
Part One: Aaron
As he let himself into the kitchen, Aaron Hotchner glanced at the clock on the microwave and winced. He was later than he'd meant to be, but he'd been trying to finish the paperwork on the Carlson case. Dave was going to be pissed. Over the past several years of their relationship they'd managed to have dinner together most nights, mostly because Dave was used to his lover's workaholic habits and didn't mind adjusting.
Ten-fifteen was the latest he'd come home in a long while, and it was definitely too late to be eating dinner. Jack would have been in bed for hours. This was going to cause a fight. He sighed and filled a glass at the tap, then headed for the dining room. No point in putting it off.
The table was still set. Dishes of food, two empty place settings, and a pitcher of tea all accused him silently of caring more about his job than his family. The old familiar guilt rose up in his chest and he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, pushing it away.
Going through the dining room, Aaron wondered just how angry Dave was. He obviously hadn't eaten without Aaron, so he was going to be hungry, and probably angry about being hungry as well as Aaron's being late. Never mind that Dave could have eaten without him; Aaron knew him well enough to realize how stubborn Dave was.
He found Dave in the living room. He was sprawled on the couch asleep, the TV tuned to a football game that was winding down. An empty whiskey glass was on the coffee table, but when Aaron glanced at the whiskey decanter there was plenty left. He stood indecisively in the middle of the room, gazing at his sleeping lover.
Haley wouldn't have been asleep in this situation. Haley would have been awake, probably pacing, and would have heard the garage door and been down in the kitchen to yell at him. He sighed. It wasn't fair to think things like that. It was true that he had been lonely in his marriage for years before Haley left him, that Jack had been a desperate attempt to save their faltering marriage, but he hadn't tried hard enough, and Haley had done the best she could with what he'd given her.
He'd made too many mistakes, too damn many mistakes, and he had eventually realized that he would never be the perfect father or husband. He would never even be the perfect FBI agent, but by the time he realized he had lost his wife, he was far better at being an agent than he was father or husband. And now here he was, repeating all those same mistakes again with someone else he loved.
Aaron held in a sigh and crept to the bedroom, cravenly hoping Dave wouldn't wake yet. He undressed in silence and climbed in bed wearing only his boxers. He shifted over to Dave's side of the bed, breathing in the smell of Dave's shampoo from the pillow. He didn't deserve this happiness he had found. He didn't deserve to have rebuilt his life after Foyet. He was careless with love.
Haley's death two years ago at the hands of George Foyet had changed things drastically, of course, but Dave had risen to the occasion admirably, fixing up a bedroom that spared no expense for a little boy and adjusting his schedule even further. For the past two years Dave had come home early to get Jack's supper and help with homework, and Aaron had come home in time for stories and bedtime. Dave and Aaron would have dinner later in the evening. In the mornings, Aaron was the one who helped Jack get ready for school while Dave slept in. When they had to leave town on a case, Haley's sister Jessica took care of Jack.
You say you love Dave but you come home late, he thought. You say you love Jack but you didn't even tuck him in. He thought of Sean, the way he and his brother often traded hard words and unreasonable expectations of each other and called it love.
He closed his eyes and buried his face in Dave's pillow. You're making all the same mistakes with Dave that you made with Haley. This has to stop or you'll lose everything.
And even though he often doubted his ability to deserve all that Dave offered him, Aaron didn't want to lose it.
Starting tomorrow, he promised silently. Starting tomorrow things will change.
***
Aaron woke early the next morning after a troubled sleep. He had dreamed he was in a hotel for some sort of conference, the speaker someone he knew and admired. While he was there a fire broke out in the hotel, and for the rest of his dream he had been running through smoky halls attempting to evacuate people. He'd never placed much stock in dream analysis, but he couldn't help being curious about what that might mean.
A faint snore next to him informed him of Dave's presence. He turned his head and looked at his sleeping lover. There was more gray in Dave's hair than there used to be, but his expression was relaxed, his mouth slightly open. He was the most wonderful sight. He'd fallen asleep on Aaron's side of the bed. At least, Aaron reflected, he came to bed at all. A surge of love hit him, tightening his chest and bringing a smile to his lips. He didn't deserve this, but he would fight for it. He would be more careful of Dave's heart than he had Haley's.
Feeling unrested, but too awake to go back to sleep, he leaned over and brushed a kiss against Dave's forehead, then got out of bed. He showered and dressed quietly. It was only then that he glanced at the clock and realized it was still nearly an hour before the alarm would go off. Dave was anything but a morning person. Aaron decided to let him sleep.
Going into the kitchen, Aaron started the coffee-maker. He glanced into the dining room, but he was unsurprised that the previous night's dinner had already been cleaned up. The years had done nothing about Dave's fussiness. Even if it had been midnight when he'd woke, he would have cleaned up before going to bed. Aaron made himself some toast and ate it standing up, then woke Jack. He fed Jack and made sure he got his school uniform on properly, then decided to drop Jack off at school on his way to work. He could hear the shower going in the master bath, so Dave must be up.
Suddenly Aaron wasn't sure he could face Dave yet. If they were at home there would be too much between them to discuss it properly this morning. Their romantic relationship had no bearing on their work relationship. They would be able to work together today, and they could discuss things tonight.
"Hurry up," he told Jack. "I'll give you a ride to school today if you're ready in ten minutes."
Jack cheered and ran off to his room. He was back by the time Aaron had his breakfast dishes washed. The shower had gone off in the meantime, and he could hear Dave whistling in the bedroom. Aaron brushed his hand over Jack's hair.
"Go tell Pop we're leaving, okay?"
"Okay, Daddy!" Jack ran off again, and Aaron smiled listening to his excited voice explaining things to Dave. Dave's voice was a quiet rumble in return, and Aaron closed his eyes against a sudden flood of emotion. He couldn't lose this. What he had was too good. It was worth any sacrifice, any effort, to keep it.
"Pop says you better have eaten something good for breakfast!" Jack informed him cheerfully as he came back into the kitchen. "He says coffee doesn't count as breakfast."
Aaron laughed and smiled at his son. "I had toast."
"I don't think toast counts either," Jack said.
"Well, it'll have to for today. Let's go so you're not late."
Jack sang along to CCR in the car--a taste he'd acquired from Dave. He knew the words surprisingly well, though he always seemed to take great joy in singing there was "a bathroom on the right". Aaron was pretty sure that was deliberate. He got a tight hug and sloppy kiss on the cheek from Jack when he dropped him off, and he felt incredibly grateful that Jack wasn't ashamed to be affectionate with his parents.
On his way to Quantico, Aaron swung by Geno's and got a large cup of Dave's favorite coffee. While he was at it he picked up danishes for the entire team. He left the danishes on Prentiss' desk, knowing she would make sure everyone got one. The coffee he left on Dave's desk. As apologies went, it wasn't as eloquent as flowers, but it was as demonstrative as either of them ever was in front of the team.
He traded greetings with Morgan and Reid, then settled in his office. He tried to concentrate on some financial paperwork for the end of the quarter, but his mind kept drifting to the office next door. He heard more greetings when Dave came in, and then he heard the door shut. Dave had a conference call on his agenda for today, but Aaron couldn't help but be disappointed that there hadn't even been an acknowledgment of his gesture.
Finally he sighed and pulled out a pad of the notepaper that Dave had given him for Christmas. It was in a fancy leather holder and had "From the desk of Aaron R. Hotchner" at the top in navy-colored italics. It had come with a heavy, expensive pen that Aaron always tried to tell him was wasted on a lefty. Aaron did like the weight of the pen in his hand, though, so he pulled it out and used it as he wrote "Mistakes I made with Haley" and underlined it twice.
After some thought, he came up with a short list.
Mistakes I made with Haley
1. Putting the job first
2. Stubbornness
3. Not opening up
4. Unwillingness to sacrifice
5. Marrying too soon
6. Not having a sense of humor
7.
He left number seven open, because he was sure he'd be able to think of more later. In the meantime he tore off the paper and folded the note into the breast pocket of his jacket. Tonight he would start doing things about this, starting with number one. For now, he had a job to do, and having the list would allow him to concentrate on the job.
***
It was five-thirty when Aaron slipped out of his office without saying goodbye to anyone. Prentiss looked up as he passed, and he met her gaze with a tiny nod. She just smiled and nodded back. One of the things he appreciated most about Prentiss was the way she so very rarely questioned him. She had been the first to figure out, years ago, that what he had with Dave was much more than friendship. Of course, she had grown close to Dave very quickly, as Aaron had realized how well they worked together and began pairing them more often.
On his way home he stopped to pick out a bottle of nice Italian red. It would go well with dinner, which was (he hoped) going to be Mama Rossi's lasagna recipe. Dave was by far a better cook than Aaron was, but Aaron thought he could manage lasagna. He sent Dave a quick text asking him to pick up Jack at Jessica's house for him, then got started on dinner.
By the time he heard the garage door and Dave's truck pulling into the garage, he had everything set up. There was salad and he'd thawed a derby pie for dessert, and the lasagna only had a few more minutes in the oven. He checked to make sure the jello he'd made for Jack's dessert was setting, then he went to greet Dave and Jack at the back door.
Dave looked at him in bewilderment when he swung the door open. "You're home early."
"Thought I'd come home and help out a little." Aaron shrugged and grinned at him, hoping they could talk about things later, once Jack was playing.
"Daddy, guess what!" Jack said. He was clutching a paper in his hand and he thrust it out to Aaron. "I got all Es on my report card!"
"That's great, buddy," Aaron said, lifting him up and hugging him tightly. Jack's schoolbag swung down and hit him in the hip. "I'm so proud of you." God, soon Jack would be too big for this. It was incredible how quickly he was growing up.
"What's going on?" Dave asked, blinking and looking around the kitchen.
"Nothing," Aaron said. The oven beeped and he glanced over at it, but Jack was still hanging on him. "I just wanted to help out today."
Dave's eyebrows went up. "Ah."
Aaron fought back a scowl. He set his son back down. "Jack, why don't you go change out of your uniform and we'll have dinner." Then he held up a hand. "Wait. Let's put that report card on the fridge first."
Jack beamed and went over with Aaron to pin the paper up with a magnet. Then he turned and looked from Aaron to Dave. "Be nice, Pop," he told Dave. "Daddy only had toast for breakfast." He headed out of the kitchen and hit the stairs at a run.
Dave was looking after him, eyebrows still raised. "Sometimes I can't tell whether that kid is more like you, me, or Haley. It's damn scary."
Aaron chuckled and went over to press a kiss to Dave's cheek. "I've got a nice bottle of red breathing. Want to pour while I--oh shit," he muttered. He'd forgotten about the oven.
"While you shit?" Dave said, grinning faintly.
"Don't be a smartass," Aaron said. He heard Dave open the refrigerator as Aaron went to jerk the oven door open. The lasagna was black around the edges, and Aaron swore.
"Ommmm, I am so telling Aunt Emily on you," Jack said, and mentally Aaron swore again. He and Dave tried to watch their language around Jack, and last year Emily had laughingly said she was going to start charging them a quarter for every time they swore. She never actually did, but Jack took great pleasure in telling on them both. He told on Dave a lot more than he did Aaron...which probably explained why he enjoyed telling on Aaron more.
Jack pushed up next to Aaron to peer at the lasagna. Aaron automatically put up a hand to keep Jack from getting too close and burning himself.
"What's wrong?" Dave said, lifting Jack away.
"Burned the lasagna," Aaron said tersely. He sighed and lifted it out to the stovetop. "I'll see if it's salvageable."
Dave tousled Jack's hair. "Go set the table, please, kiddo."
Jack rolled his eyes but got the silverware from the drawer and went out to the dining room. As soon as he was gone, Dave took Aaron's arm and guided him further away from the door.
"What's going on?" he asked, his tone serious. His gaze was concerned as he looked at Aaron.
Embarrassed that he couldn't even do something nice properly, Aaron frowned. "Nothing's going on, Dave. I just thought I would cook tonight. I know I've been working a lot of late hours, and I wanted to do something nice to help out."
"By burning my mama's lasagna recipe?" Dave countered. "It wasn't necessary."
"Of course it wasn't necessary. It was supposed to be nice!"
"There's no need to raise your voice," Dave said, frowning at him. "I wasn't trying to criticize."
Aaron pulled away from Dave's touch. "Really. It sure sounded that way to me." He turned and went back to the stove. "I'll see what I can salvage from the lasagna."
He could feel the silence radiating off Dave behind him, but he didn't turn. He got a server and started cutting the burnt edges off the pasta. Had he gotten so abysmally bad at this that Dave was just used to being taken for granted? Was it really such a surprise that Aaron would want to do something nice for his partner?
"You don't have to do this, Aaron," Dave finally said. "If this is about last night--"
Aaron set down the knife and turned to glare at him. "My God, David, this is about doing something nice for my partner! This is about showing appreciation to the man I love by helping out a little. Is that all right with you?"
"If it means butchering my mama's recipes?" Dave shook his head dismissively. "This is silly. We both know cooking is my strong suit, not yours. We've got a good division of labor going on around here. Why mess with it?"
"Fine," Aaron said, his voice tight. Frustration and hurt were beginning to push down the embarrassment he felt at having messed up their meal. "I'll just let you deal with it then." He walked out of the kitchen to the dining room, where he found Jack already sitting at his place. He was staring at the table, kicking his feet against the rungs of the chair, an unhappy expression on his face.
"Were you and Pop fighting?" he asked quietly.
"Oh, no, buddy," Aaron said apologetically. "We were just...discussing. It wasn't a fight." He and Dave tried never to argue in front of Jack; it had become obvious after Jack came to live with them that arguments made him anxious, and Aaron didn't want his son to grow up feeling insecure about his family.
Dave snorted as he came in and took his seat across from Jack. "Yeah, Jack, we were arguing. Your dad's a stubborn jackass sometimes. But that doesn't mean we don't love each other." He reached over and tousled Jack's hair. "Come on, you fight with Diego sometimes but you guys are still friends, right?"
Jack pressed his lips together, then nodded. It made Aaron realize how much his son had learned from him when he realized he was pressing his own lips together, glowering at Dave. They tried not to fight in front of Jack, but Dave had the idea that they shouldn't 'coddle' Jack, while Aaron just wanted to protect his son from as much pain as he could.
Then again, Dave had grown up in a family that bickered and fought on a regular basis, but was still full of love. Aaron had grown up in a house where angry words led to angry fists, and he had learned early to bottle his emotions up behind a wall of stoicism. It occurred to him now that perhaps they had never discussed that difference. Dave knew about his father, of course. Aaron had always had trouble with thunderstorms thanks to an incident in his youth, and Dave was the only person who knew about that. But it reminded him of number three on his list of mistakes: 3. Not opening up.
He had tried to shield Haley from knowing much about his growing up. They had met in high school, after Aaron's mother had taken them away from his blood father. Haley had never seen the bruises, had only vaguely known that the reason Aaron refused to be the one to spank their son was rooted in the fact that he was afraid he would carry on the sins of his father.
Dave and Jack were both watching him, and after a moment Aaron cleared his throat. "Jack, will you say grace?" he said, and they all closed their eyes as Jack repeated the mealtime prayer Dave had taught him.
They ate in a brittle-edged silence, even Jack. He jumped and looked up guiltily when his knife clattered against the plate. It sent a pang of guilt through Aaron. Now the tension between him and Dave was spreading to include his son.
"What did you do in school today, Jack?" he asked, forcing a smile.
Jack began talking about his day, chattering and glancing from Dave to Aaron and back. Aaron made encouraging noises, and finally Dave began participating in the conversation as well. When they were finished, Dave did the dishes while Aaron and Jack worked on homework and then read a book together. Jack wanted to play a game, so he and Aaron sprawled on the floor of his bedroom with the board. Aaron kept expecting Dave to come in and see what Jack was up to, but he never did. As a consequence, Aaron let Jack stay up later than he should, just to put off facing Dave. He had meant to apologize for being late the night before, but that was before Dave threw his attempts at making amends back in his face.
Once he got Jack put to bed, he stood in the hallway for a long time, weighing the idea of joining Dave in the family room. He wanted to, but he had the feeling things would be uncomfortable unless they dealt with the tension between them, and Dave apparently didn't have any desire to deal with it. Finally he sighed and went to his office, though he left the door open in case Dave came looking for him.
Dave never did.
***
Aaron woke on the couch the next morning with a crick in his neck. Damn my pride, he thought, grateful that it was Friday and he had an on-site consultation scheduled in Baltimore with Prentiss. They would spend much of the day in the car, and Prentiss had served as lead profiler on the consult, so he would mostly be along for the ride. His head was already pounding.
As he ducked under the nearly-scalding water of the shower, he pondered number three on his list again. Last night had been a product of the second item, so he would have to try harder at not being stubborn. But opening up...that was something he could try harder at tonight. Jack was spending the night at Diego's house for a birthday party; Aaron and Dave had planned to go out to dinner when Aaron got home, provided they didn't draw a case in the meantime.
He heard the bathroom door open and close. Dave's sleep-roughened voice asked, "Did you ever come to bed last night?"
Aaron coughed and turned to face the wall. "I fell asleep on the couch."
"Stubborn jackass," Dave grumbled. Water ran in the sink and Aaron realized Dave must be shaving. "I meant what I told Jack last night, you know. I do still love you, even when I think you're being an idiot."
"Thanks so much," Aaron said sarcastically. Then he sighed and ducked his face under the water. "I love you too, Dave. I'm sorry."
"You don't owe me any apologies, Aaron. I just want you to relax a little. So you were late the other night. So what? It happens. Now let's just move on." Dave's razor tapped against the sink.
Aaron rubbed shampoo into his hair and wondered if it was getting too long.
"Jessica is going to pick Jack up after school today and take him to Diego's," Dave said. "We still on for dinner at La Familia?"
"Mm, yes," Aaron said, smiling finally. At least Dave wasn't giving up on him yet. "I've been looking forward to that all week."
He barely heard Dave's chuckle over the sound of the shower, but after a moment a hand pushed in alongside the shower curtain. Aaron's smile strengthened and he curled his fingers around Dave's. Dave tugged their joined hands and a moment later Aaron felt the brush of lips and whiskers against his fingers.
"God, I love you," Aaron murmured.
Dave squeezed gently and released his hand. "Me too, Aaron. Me too."
The day passed without incident, aside from Prentiss getting hit on by the lead detective they were consulting with. Amused, Aaron had suggested he have Dave come pick him up so she could go to dinner with the detective. Prentiss had made a threatening gesture towards her Glock, but Aaron had just laughed harder.
He felt better than he had in days. He and Dave were going to have dinner, and they were going to sort things out. Aaron would prove that he could--and would--make Dave a priority in his life. He would put Dave ahead of work, ahead of himself. Things would go back to normal. No, things would be better than normal. He wouldn't let this second partnership dissolve the way his first one had.
Emily slipped an REM CD into the stereo for him on the way home, obviously enjoying his high spirits. They arrived back at Quantico twenty minutes ahead of schedule and Aaron called up from the motor pool to let Dave know he was there. By the time he got up to the sixth floor, Dave had his coat on and was joking around with Morgan and Reid in the bullpen.
He grinned when Aaron arrived and pushed away from where he'd been leaning on Reid's desk. "See ya next week, guys. Got a hot date tonight."
Aaron felt his cheeks heat up, despite the fact that the team had known about their relationship since just after Haley's death. He still wasn't used to being so open about it, given the circumstances. Not that their relationship had ever affected their work. It had been a natural continuation of how close they were and how well they understood each other. Dave had come back to the BAU and back into Aaron's life just when Aaron needed someone most, and evenings of friendly companionship had slowly turned into more. The team had been unaware of it until Aaron had agreed to move in with Dave following Haley's death. It was one thing for a profiler and traditionally closed-mouthed unit chief to keep a secret; it was another entirely for a four-year-old who had recently lost his mother, and was clinging close to the parental figures he had left, to keep that same secret.
Morgan just grinned and slapped Aaron on the shoulder. "Relax and have some fun," he advised Aaron. "And you," he added, glancing at Dave. "If you get lucky, I don't want to hear about it."
They left amid the friendly laughter of the team, and once they got into the elevator, Aaron gave Dave a look of mock disapproval. "You know, it's behavior like yours that caused the Office of Professional Responsibility to forbid intra-team fraternization in the first place."
"No, it was actually Max Ryan's sleeping with Erin Strauss that caused that," Dave countered. "My casual dating of various secretaries and file clerks really was below the radar until then."
Aaron laughed and followed Dave out to his car.
It turned out to be even more difficult to open up than he'd imagined. Of course, it didn't help that Dave knew nothing about his plan and spent half the dinner talking about the book tour his publicist wanted him to go on and how he didn't like the idea of being away from Jack and Aaron for six weeks, so he'd asked her to break it up into two shorter tours. Aaron was usually fascinated by all the aspects of the publishing world Dave had stumbled his way into, but tonight he really just wanted to accomplish his objective of sharing.
After the third time he had to ask Dave to repeat himself, Dave stopped eating his shrimp cacciatore entirely. He set his fork down across his plate and regarded Aaron for a moment.
"Am I boring you?"
Aaron straightened guiltily. "What? No!"
Dave's expression was unreadable. "Are you sure? Because I would hate to bother you if you're not interested."
"That's not it at all," Aaron protested. "I'm sorry, I know I've been preoccupied tonight." He reached across and took Dave's hand in his. It wasn't the sort of thing they normally did in public, but La Familia was one of their favorite restaurants, and the owner was an old friend. They were comfortable here.
Dave sighed and shook his head. "What's been going on with you lately, Aaron?" he asked. "I'm worried about you. This isn't the only night you've been preoccupied. You can talk to me. You ought to know that."
"I've just been thinking..." Aaron began. He paused, not sure how to explain it. He sighed. "I don't know. I just feel like we haven't talked as much lately. Maybe I'm starting to take things for granted that I shouldn't."
Dave squeezed his hand. "Don't be ridiculous."
"No, I'm serious," Aaron said. "There's so much I've never told you, like..." He paused, thinking, then felt his heart rate jump as he blurted, "Like the time my father broke my wrist and I couldn't go to basketball camp." He'd told everyone, even his mother, that he'd fallen off his horse. Of course, he'd always known his mother didn't believe him, but everyone else had, and that was what mattered. His mouth was suddenly dry and Aaron lifted his wine glass and gulped the rest of it, then licked his lips.
Dave's eyebrows had gone up again and he was studying Aaron. "You don't have to tell me things like that," he said quietly.
Aaron shrugged. "I...I regret that I didn't tell Haley those things," he said. God, he hated talking like this. His childhood had taught him at a young age that emotions were dangerous. Emotions got you in trouble.
"Aaron, please," Dave said. "You and I have all the time in the world to talk. You don't have to push things."
"Don't you see, Dave, I thought I had all that time with Haley, too. And so we didn't talk and our marriage fell apart, and then Foyet killed her." Aaron's hands were shaking. He refilled his wine glass and took a sip.
Frowning, Dave lifted a hand to signal the waiter. "Check please," he said, and Aaron's spirits sank. Didn't Dave even want to hear what he had to say? He sighed and looked down at his empty plate. Maybe he was going about this wrong. Or maybe he'd already damaged their relationship too much at this point for even this to repair it.
When Dave had settled the bill, Aaron drained his glass and stood. He didn't bother speaking; he felt chastened enough as it was. They made their way out to the Mercedes in mutual silence. Sammy Davis, Jr., was the only noise in the car for several minutes.
Finally Dave said, "What is this really about, Aaron? You can't tell me this is just about telling me your secrets. We talk all the damn time. What's going on with you that you feel the need to blurt things out like this?" His hands were tight on the wheel; Aaron could see that his knuckles were white.
He sighed and put his head back against the headrest. "I just thought you might like hearing things," he mumbled. He closed his eyes.
Sammy sang about just needing to be himself and Aaron could feel the pause in their conversation swelling, like a balloon about to pop. He'd had three glasses of wine at the restaurant while Dave nursed a single glass, and the third one had probably been a bad idea. He rarely let himself drink that much, but he'd always been able to relax around Dave, and since he wanted to share things, he'd felt the need for a little liquid courage.
"Are you sick?" Dave asked finally. "Has something happened to Sean? Jess isn't giving you any trouble about Jack, is she?"
Aaron shook his head. "No, none of that," he said, his voice tight. "I just thought you might give a damn about this stuff. Apparently I was wrong."
"God damn it, Aaron, don't do that." Dave was starting to sound angry. "It isn't that I'm uninterested; it's that this is unlike you. You're looking for trouble that isn't there." He pulled into the garage and shut off the car. "What has you so over-sensitive these days? Have I done something to make you unhappy? Have I made you feel inadequate somehow?"
"You didn't have to," Aaron said. He wanted the talking to be over. He just wanted to pour himself a glass of whiskey and go to bed. And at this point, he knew Dave would push things so they ended up fighting. He shoved the door open and hurried into the house.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Dave demanded. He followed Aaron, his boots loud on the kitchen tiles. "How can you ever think I see you as inadequate? Christ, Aaron, you ought to know how I feel about you. I came out to my devout Catholic family as a man who fucks another man, that oughta tell you something!"
Aaron clenched his jaw and poured himself a glass of whiskey. "Like that was such a problem, considering Franco's been fucking other men since you were about fourteen," he pointed out. Dave's older brother had made things a lot easier for Dave, even if his parents had been confused after Dave's three marriages. "Don't try to make this about my--my insecurity. That's not what this is about."
"Oh really?" Dave was standing in the middle of the room, fists planted on his hips. "Maybe you could explain to me what this is about then, like I've been asking for the past half hour."
"I just wanted to share things with you." Aaron said. "I know I don't share enough. Hell, Haley and I had been married for ten years before I even told her the reason I auditioned for Pirates of the Penzance was just so I could meet her." He tossed back the glass of whiskey and poured another. From the corner of his eye he saw Dave take a step forward, then stop. "I never actually told her that my mother lost a baby between me and Sean because of my father's violence. I didn't even discuss some of my concerns about our having a child--concerns that he would end up without a parent, concerns that she would need more help than I could give her..."
"Aaron," Dave said. His expression had gone strange, his voice gentle. He stepped forward and took the whiskey glass out of Aaron's hand, then drained it himself. "Please." He set the glass aside and settled his hands on Aaron's shoulders. Aaron was taller by a few inches, but Dave's touch grounded him in a way that made their relative sizes immaterial.
He didn't want to feel grounded. He stiffened, not meeting Dave's eyes. "I was relieved when she finally delivered her ultimatum," he confessed. The whiskey was kicking in, harder than the wine had. "It was just before you came back, and the only times we'd had sex in months were the times when I came home from work early and brought her flowers and--" He felt Dave's fingers tighten on his shoulders. "--and sometimes I honestly just wished she would just let us fuck without pretending we were still in love."
"Stop this," Dave said quietly. He leaned in and brushed his lips lightly against Aaron's. He tasted of whiskey and chocolate. "I know that your father hurt you. I know that for some reason you don't feel you deserve happiness. Aaron, I know you." He kissed Aaron again, more firmly but still chaste. "I love you. And of course I want to know things about you and your past and your feelings and your desires. But you don't have to just spew them all out like this."
He frowned up at Aaron. "We talk all the time. We talk about this kind of thing. Stop forcing the matter."
Aaron opened his mouth, but Dave pressed one blunt finger against his lips. "Stop," he said gently. "Let's go to bed." He kissed Aaron again. "I missed having you in our bed last night. It didn't feel right."
The fact that Dave was shutting him down entirely stung, but Aaron could feel the earth spinning and decided maybe it was for the best. He was obviously making a fool of himself, and Dave wasn't understanding at all, and Aaron was ridiculously drunk. Maybe bed was the best bet.
With a sigh, he let Dave guide him back to their room. Dave undressed him, interspersing it with slow, wet kisses that, on any other night, would have led to one of them--probably Aaron--being pressed tenderly down to the mattress for slow, thorough sex. Tonight it just made Aaron's chest ache, and he wrapped his arms around Dave to keep his balance.
When they were finally in bed with the lights out, Aaron let Dave hold him. He could feel the physical proof of Dave's interest, but he didn't want it. Not after their conversation had left him feeling hollow inside. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep.
***
Thanksgiving was fast approaching. Usually Aaron and Jack went to Haley's parents for the holiday. It had always been the tradition while Haley was alive, and after her death Aaron had kept to it, wanting to provide as much stability for Jack as he could. Last year Dave had gone with them, but everyone had been uncomfortable and Dave had ended up skipping out early. He'd made it clear since then, though, that he wanted Aaron to keep going. He'd agreed that it was important for Jack to have stability, especially given how much time he spent with Jessica while they were out on cases.
Aaron had always appreciated that Dave was willing to make that sacrifice, because he knew how important family was to Dave. He liked Dave's family, and even though they got together with them for Christmas, he knew it wasn't the same. Since Dave had shut him down on his attempt at sharing, Aaron had backed off a little on his pursuit of the list. But he kept thinking about 4. unwillingness to sacrifice . Maybe he and Jack should spend Thanksgiving on Long Island this year. Dave's mother had been in poor health for the last few years, and it might be better for Dave to have Aaron and Jack there. It would be a sacrifice, but it would be worth it if it made Dave happy.
The first time he brought it up, Dave shrugged it off, apparently not thinking he was serious. Aaron couldn't really blame him. They'd been just going through the motions since their dinner at La Familia. He thought they were hiding it well in general. Jessica didn't seem to have noticed, and even if Jack occasionally looked confused by the way Dave and Aaron interacted, he didn't ask them again if they were fighting.
Aaron recognized what they were doing. He and Haley had gone through the motions like this themselves more than once. It was just a trouble spot, and they would get through it. Aaron made himself come home at a decent hour every night, and he and Dave had dinner together, even if their conversations were a bit stilted.
The second time he brought it up, he and Dave were in bed. They were both lying there in the darkness, Aaron on his side facing Dave but not actually touching. He could tell neither of them were asleep; Dave's breathing was too even. Finally Aaron moved his hand until his fingers were brushing Dave's arm. Dave grunted an interrogative.
"I meant it last week," Aaron whispered, shifting closer. "Jack and I should come to Thanksgiving with you. He hasn't seen his Rossi cousins since July."
Dave took a long breath, then tugged Aaron closer, wrapping his arms around him. "Are you sure?" he murmured. "I know how you like to keep the traditions Haley started going."
"I do, but I want to be with you for the holiday." Aaron brushed his nose against Dave's jaw.
"That's a big sacrifice," Dave said. He tightened his arms around Aaron. "It means a lot to me." The words sent a slow flush of warmth through Aaron's chest. Lifting his head to kiss Dave, he felt as if he'd finally done something right.
"I love you," he whispered, slipping his fingers into Dave's hair. "I like it when I can do things to make you happy."
Dave's laughter was a low rumble. "You don't have to do anything to make me happy. You just have to be you." He pulled Aaron in for another kiss. "But this does make me happy. I love having you and Jack with the rest of my family."
"Kiss me again," Aaron ordered, and with a hungry noise Dave complied.
***
Wine glass in hand, Aaron slipped out the sliding door in the dining room and took a deep breath of crisp dry air. There was snow predicted for later in the afternoon, but it hadn't started yet. He loved the Rossis, but when the house had nearly forty people in it, he started feeling a little claustrophobic. Jack was having a great time running around with his "cousins", and Dave was playing poker in the den.
He heard the exhalation and smelled the smoke at the same time. Dave's sister Gina, younger by two years, was leaning against the house at the edge of the deck.
"Gets crazy in there, doesn't it?" she said, giving him a sympathetic smile. "I can't remember if Dave's ever said, do you have siblings?"
"A younger brother," Aaron said. He went over to her and shook his head when she offered him a smoke. "Sean. He's a chef in New York, so he's working over the holiday."
She nodded. "It was nice of you to give up Thanksgiving with Jack's grandparents. It really does mean a lot to Davey to have you here."
"Does it?" Aaron leaned on the railing of the deck and looked out across the frosty backyard. He sighed.
He heard her inhale another lungful of smoke, then exhale heavily. "What's going on with you two?" she asked quietly. "He's not sick, is he?"
Aaron stiffened, then frowned. Why was that everyone's automatic assumption? Were they really getting that old? Aaron was only forty-five. Dave was only fifty-six. He shook his head. "I wish I knew," he said finally. "He isn't sick. We've just...it's been a difficult month."
She came over and stubbed out her cigarette in a planter full of dirt, then dropped it in her empty Coke bottle. "Anything I can help with? I could take Jack for a week after Christmas if you want. Let you two have a little vacation."
He didn't know what to say. It shouldn't seem strange that she would make an offer like that. Not after all the years he'd known Dave's family. It still did. He liked Gina. She had married a construction worker who was killed on a high-rise project nearly twenty years ago, and she'd never remarried. They hadn't been able to have children, but she was the favorite aunt of all the Rossi children, and Dave's closest sibling.
He finally shrugged and took a sip of his wine. "I don't know what to say, Gina. I...feel lost."
She moved closer until her shoulder was against his. He'd seen her do this to Dave, though she'd never actually leaned on Aaron like she did her own brothers. It warmed him a little. "You still love him, right?"
"For all my life," he replied promptly.
"And I know he still loves you. He still has that look when you're around." He felt her shrug. "Plus he wouldn't be this sad if he didn't still love you."
A pang of guilt went through Aaron and he sighed. Had everyone at Thanksgiving dinner noticed it? "I'm doing everything wrong," he admitted. "I seem to be repeating every single mistake I made with my ex-wife. He deserves so much better than that, and I try, I really do, but--"
"Have you ever considered that he doesn't see it that way?" she asked.
"What way?" Aaron asked, feeling his stomach muscles tense as he automatically got defensive. Stop this, he told himself. She's trying to help.
She shrugged, her shoulder shifting against his. "That you're not giving him what he deserves."
He pressed his lips together, then shook his head. "I don't know what he thinks. It seems like we don't talk any more, and when I try...nothing comes out right. I can interrogate an unsub and reduce a defense attorney to gibberish, but I'm not good at talking about emotions."
"Oh, Aaron, do you really think he doesn't know that?" she asked gently. "Davey's known you for, what, almost twenty years? He's known you through a combination of three wives and two careers, and you've gotten each other through three divorces and losing Haley...and you think he doesn't know that?" She stood up and hugged Aaron tightly. He tensed, but after a moment he relaxed enough to hug her back, secretly glad she didn't have a cigarette in her hand. "He loves you for who you are, not who you think you should be."
Aaron pulled away when she released him, but he smiled down at her. "Thanks, Gina." They both turned when they heard the sliding door rumble open.
"Daddy, Pop says you have to quit hugging on Aunt G and come back inside," Jack ordered. "Uncle Franco and Uncle Jon are leaving and you guys have to say goodbye."
Gina cocked an eyebrow as she looked at Aaron. "Bossy kid you got there, Aaron," she said loudly. "I think his Pop's been a bad influence on him."
Aaron's smile widened and then he laughed. "Do you know anyone Jack's Pop is a good influence on?" he teased, then lowered his voice. "Besides me," he added, and they went in to say goodbye to Dave's brother.
A good number of the Rossis gathered for Thanksgiving either had to work the next day or had plans to hit the Black Friday sales early, but there were still a dozen people lounging in the living and dining areas, eating pumpkin pie and Chex mix. A football game was on in the living room, where Dave and his father and one brother were arguing about every single play the Giants made. Aaron helped Dave's sister-in-law Rosalie get Jack and three of his cousins to bed in one of the guest bedrooms, then made polite excuses and retreated to the room assigned to him and Dave.
In addition to the double bed, there was a recliner and a small writing desk. Aaron hadn't brought any work with him, but he did have a couple of journals he ought to read, and the latest legal thriller from Michael Connelly. He couldn't concentrate on anything, though, and finally he rested his head back against the chair and closed his eyes.
Gina had noticed things were strained. She couldn't be the only one, though she might be the only one who paid much attention. So much for the idea that coming to the Rossi Thanksgiving would mend things between him and Dave. Instead he'd probably made things worse by broadcasting the troubles between them to the entire family.
As strange as it was, Aaron found himself missing Haley. She hadn't been pleased by his romantic relationship with Dave--though she hadn't exactly been surprised, either, considering how close they'd been before. But they'd managed to build a peace between them before her death, and she would be able to tell him what he was doing wrong.
In those last few minutes of her life, she'd encouraged him to teach Jack how to love, how to smile. She'd wanted her son to be happy, but more than that, she'd wanted Aaron to be happy. It had been her blessing on him, and he'd always been grateful for it.
Just another reason you can't throw this away, he told himself. You have to try to deserve this. He was still thinking of ways to fix things when he fell asleep.
***
The drive home from Long Island to Virginia was virtually silent. Dave had been seriously pissed off when he'd come to bed the night before, and after a furiously whispered conversation about Aaron's hiding in the bedroom all evening, they'd gone to bed angry with each other. Aaron had slept badly and he knew Dave had too, from the way they'd both tossed and turned, but they hadn't spoken except for a few words exchanged at breakfast whenever Dave's mother looked at one or the other of them in puzzlement.
Jack was lost in a movie in the back seat of the Mercedes, and Aaron was grateful for that, since hopefully it meant he wouldn't notice the frigid silence between his parents. After lunch they switched off the driving and Dave went to sleep in the passenger seat. Aaron itched to turn on the radio, but it would only wake Dave up and probably annoy him. So Aaron contented himself with longing glances at the power button from time to time.
The minute they got home Jack disappeared into his room, and Aaron watched him with a touch of envy. Dave had been doing a decent impression of a pressure cooker since he woke up twenty minutes from home, and Aaron wasn't looking forward to the conversation they were about to have.
Dave went to the drinks cabinet and poured himself a glass of bourbon. "Why the hell did you bother coming to Long Island in the first place?" he demanded, and there was the opening salvo.
Aaron sighed. "It seemed like a good idea at the time," he admitted.
Dave turned to glare at him. "Oh, but once you were there, it didn't? Or did you change your fucking mind between dinner and halftime? What the hell did Gina say to you out on the deck?"
"Nothing," Aaron said automatically. "Nothing much. Just asked if things were okay between us." He shook his head. "I didn't think about anyone noticing..."
"Yeah, that much was obvious, you didn't fucking think!" Dave took a long sip and exhaled sharply. "I think every Goddamn member of my Goddamn family asked me if you were sick or if you were having trouble at work or if we were getting a fucking divorce." He snorted. "Apparently Cousin Todd forgot that even though two men can get married in DC, there are still anti-fraternization rules at the Bureau."
"I didn't mean for this to happen," Aaron said apologetically. "I'm sorry. I know I've made a lot of mistakes lately..." He sighed and thought of his list. Marrying too soon had been on that list. He and Haley had been too young when they'd married, and their marriage had barely survived his leaving law and joining the FBI. He'd only put it on the list in the interests of completeness, but he had to think now that perhaps it really did belong on the list. Maybe he'd made the same mistake a second time, rushing into a relationship with Dave shortly after the divorce proceedings began.
"Look, this is a bunch of bullshit," Dave said, his voice rising a little. "Yeah, you make mistakes. Guess what, Aaron? You're human! I know you'd rather not be most of the time, but it means you're gonna screw up. Big fucking deal. That's what apologies are for, and you've never had much of a problem with those. Your problem is that you expect perfection from yourself."
"Maybe my problem is that I pushed things too much," Aaron said. "Maybe this was all a big mistake. Maybe we got involved too quickly after my divorce." He turned away from Dave and paced over to the fireplace, where pictures of the three of them and Jack and Haley graced the mantel. "Maybe I asked too much from you."
For several moments all he could hear was Dave's ragged breathing, and then his lover started laughing. The sound was low and brittle and sent a shiver up Aaron's back. "My God, you're actually doing this, aren't you? You are the biggest fucking idiot I've ever met."
"Oh, thank you so much," Aaron snapped. "I was trying to give you a chance to--"
"You're trying to walk away from something we've spent four fucking years building together, that's what you're doing!" Dave shouted. He caught himself and lowered his voice, but he sounded no less furious as he continued. "You're looking in the mirror and seeing a man who can't live up to his own sky-high standards, and instead of admitting that you're imperfect but worthy, you're just giving the fuck up. You think I don't realize how hard this is? You think I don't get frustrated sometimes? Because you oughta know damn well that I do. But I'm committed to this, Aaron, and I thought you were, too."
Aaron could feel his temper rising the longer Dave berated him. He knew he wasn't perfect. He was far from perfect, and lately it seemed like even worse, nothing he did came out right. And yet Dave was calling him a perfectionist and swearing at him.
"Don't be ridiculous, of course I'm committed," he said. "But I'm starting to think maybe this was all--"
Dave took two steps towards him, the movement almost violent. Aaron actually flinched before he caught himself, and Dave stopped. "Shut up," he ordered. His voice was low and shaking. "Don't you do this, Aaron."
Aaron opened his mouth, but Dave snapped, "No! I won't let you throw away the best Goddamn thing we've ever had in our lives. You shut the fuck up." He bolted down the rest of his whiskey and then slammed the glass down on the drinks cabinet so hard Aaron was surprised it didn't break. Aaron stared at him numbly as Dave turned and strode towards him. Instead of touching Aaron, Dave went past him and out of the room. Aaron was still staring at the wall when he heard the door to the garage slam. A moment later a car started and tore out of the driveway.
Part Two
Author:
innerslytherinRecipient:
coffeecocktailsPairing: Hotch/Rossi
Rating: PG-13
WC: 12,880
Prompt: Hotch realises he's making all the same mistakes with the man he loves as he did with Haley. He decides to try and put things right.
Notes: This was written for
coffeecocktails for last year's cm_exchange and I never remembered to repost it after the reveals.Part One: Aaron
As he let himself into the kitchen, Aaron Hotchner glanced at the clock on the microwave and winced. He was later than he'd meant to be, but he'd been trying to finish the paperwork on the Carlson case. Dave was going to be pissed. Over the past several years of their relationship they'd managed to have dinner together most nights, mostly because Dave was used to his lover's workaholic habits and didn't mind adjusting.
Ten-fifteen was the latest he'd come home in a long while, and it was definitely too late to be eating dinner. Jack would have been in bed for hours. This was going to cause a fight. He sighed and filled a glass at the tap, then headed for the dining room. No point in putting it off.
The table was still set. Dishes of food, two empty place settings, and a pitcher of tea all accused him silently of caring more about his job than his family. The old familiar guilt rose up in his chest and he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, pushing it away.
Going through the dining room, Aaron wondered just how angry Dave was. He obviously hadn't eaten without Aaron, so he was going to be hungry, and probably angry about being hungry as well as Aaron's being late. Never mind that Dave could have eaten without him; Aaron knew him well enough to realize how stubborn Dave was.
He found Dave in the living room. He was sprawled on the couch asleep, the TV tuned to a football game that was winding down. An empty whiskey glass was on the coffee table, but when Aaron glanced at the whiskey decanter there was plenty left. He stood indecisively in the middle of the room, gazing at his sleeping lover.
Haley wouldn't have been asleep in this situation. Haley would have been awake, probably pacing, and would have heard the garage door and been down in the kitchen to yell at him. He sighed. It wasn't fair to think things like that. It was true that he had been lonely in his marriage for years before Haley left him, that Jack had been a desperate attempt to save their faltering marriage, but he hadn't tried hard enough, and Haley had done the best she could with what he'd given her.
He'd made too many mistakes, too damn many mistakes, and he had eventually realized that he would never be the perfect father or husband. He would never even be the perfect FBI agent, but by the time he realized he had lost his wife, he was far better at being an agent than he was father or husband. And now here he was, repeating all those same mistakes again with someone else he loved.
Aaron held in a sigh and crept to the bedroom, cravenly hoping Dave wouldn't wake yet. He undressed in silence and climbed in bed wearing only his boxers. He shifted over to Dave's side of the bed, breathing in the smell of Dave's shampoo from the pillow. He didn't deserve this happiness he had found. He didn't deserve to have rebuilt his life after Foyet. He was careless with love.
Haley's death two years ago at the hands of George Foyet had changed things drastically, of course, but Dave had risen to the occasion admirably, fixing up a bedroom that spared no expense for a little boy and adjusting his schedule even further. For the past two years Dave had come home early to get Jack's supper and help with homework, and Aaron had come home in time for stories and bedtime. Dave and Aaron would have dinner later in the evening. In the mornings, Aaron was the one who helped Jack get ready for school while Dave slept in. When they had to leave town on a case, Haley's sister Jessica took care of Jack.
You say you love Dave but you come home late, he thought. You say you love Jack but you didn't even tuck him in. He thought of Sean, the way he and his brother often traded hard words and unreasonable expectations of each other and called it love.
He closed his eyes and buried his face in Dave's pillow. You're making all the same mistakes with Dave that you made with Haley. This has to stop or you'll lose everything.
And even though he often doubted his ability to deserve all that Dave offered him, Aaron didn't want to lose it.
Starting tomorrow, he promised silently. Starting tomorrow things will change.
***
Aaron woke early the next morning after a troubled sleep. He had dreamed he was in a hotel for some sort of conference, the speaker someone he knew and admired. While he was there a fire broke out in the hotel, and for the rest of his dream he had been running through smoky halls attempting to evacuate people. He'd never placed much stock in dream analysis, but he couldn't help being curious about what that might mean.
A faint snore next to him informed him of Dave's presence. He turned his head and looked at his sleeping lover. There was more gray in Dave's hair than there used to be, but his expression was relaxed, his mouth slightly open. He was the most wonderful sight. He'd fallen asleep on Aaron's side of the bed. At least, Aaron reflected, he came to bed at all. A surge of love hit him, tightening his chest and bringing a smile to his lips. He didn't deserve this, but he would fight for it. He would be more careful of Dave's heart than he had Haley's.
Feeling unrested, but too awake to go back to sleep, he leaned over and brushed a kiss against Dave's forehead, then got out of bed. He showered and dressed quietly. It was only then that he glanced at the clock and realized it was still nearly an hour before the alarm would go off. Dave was anything but a morning person. Aaron decided to let him sleep.
Going into the kitchen, Aaron started the coffee-maker. He glanced into the dining room, but he was unsurprised that the previous night's dinner had already been cleaned up. The years had done nothing about Dave's fussiness. Even if it had been midnight when he'd woke, he would have cleaned up before going to bed. Aaron made himself some toast and ate it standing up, then woke Jack. He fed Jack and made sure he got his school uniform on properly, then decided to drop Jack off at school on his way to work. He could hear the shower going in the master bath, so Dave must be up.
Suddenly Aaron wasn't sure he could face Dave yet. If they were at home there would be too much between them to discuss it properly this morning. Their romantic relationship had no bearing on their work relationship. They would be able to work together today, and they could discuss things tonight.
"Hurry up," he told Jack. "I'll give you a ride to school today if you're ready in ten minutes."
Jack cheered and ran off to his room. He was back by the time Aaron had his breakfast dishes washed. The shower had gone off in the meantime, and he could hear Dave whistling in the bedroom. Aaron brushed his hand over Jack's hair.
"Go tell Pop we're leaving, okay?"
"Okay, Daddy!" Jack ran off again, and Aaron smiled listening to his excited voice explaining things to Dave. Dave's voice was a quiet rumble in return, and Aaron closed his eyes against a sudden flood of emotion. He couldn't lose this. What he had was too good. It was worth any sacrifice, any effort, to keep it.
"Pop says you better have eaten something good for breakfast!" Jack informed him cheerfully as he came back into the kitchen. "He says coffee doesn't count as breakfast."
Aaron laughed and smiled at his son. "I had toast."
"I don't think toast counts either," Jack said.
"Well, it'll have to for today. Let's go so you're not late."
Jack sang along to CCR in the car--a taste he'd acquired from Dave. He knew the words surprisingly well, though he always seemed to take great joy in singing there was "a bathroom on the right". Aaron was pretty sure that was deliberate. He got a tight hug and sloppy kiss on the cheek from Jack when he dropped him off, and he felt incredibly grateful that Jack wasn't ashamed to be affectionate with his parents.
On his way to Quantico, Aaron swung by Geno's and got a large cup of Dave's favorite coffee. While he was at it he picked up danishes for the entire team. He left the danishes on Prentiss' desk, knowing she would make sure everyone got one. The coffee he left on Dave's desk. As apologies went, it wasn't as eloquent as flowers, but it was as demonstrative as either of them ever was in front of the team.
He traded greetings with Morgan and Reid, then settled in his office. He tried to concentrate on some financial paperwork for the end of the quarter, but his mind kept drifting to the office next door. He heard more greetings when Dave came in, and then he heard the door shut. Dave had a conference call on his agenda for today, but Aaron couldn't help but be disappointed that there hadn't even been an acknowledgment of his gesture.
Finally he sighed and pulled out a pad of the notepaper that Dave had given him for Christmas. It was in a fancy leather holder and had "From the desk of Aaron R. Hotchner" at the top in navy-colored italics. It had come with a heavy, expensive pen that Aaron always tried to tell him was wasted on a lefty. Aaron did like the weight of the pen in his hand, though, so he pulled it out and used it as he wrote "Mistakes I made with Haley" and underlined it twice.
After some thought, he came up with a short list.
Mistakes I made with Haley
1. Putting the job first
2. Stubbornness
3. Not opening up
4. Unwillingness to sacrifice
5. Marrying too soon
6. Not having a sense of humor
7.
He left number seven open, because he was sure he'd be able to think of more later. In the meantime he tore off the paper and folded the note into the breast pocket of his jacket. Tonight he would start doing things about this, starting with number one. For now, he had a job to do, and having the list would allow him to concentrate on the job.
***
It was five-thirty when Aaron slipped out of his office without saying goodbye to anyone. Prentiss looked up as he passed, and he met her gaze with a tiny nod. She just smiled and nodded back. One of the things he appreciated most about Prentiss was the way she so very rarely questioned him. She had been the first to figure out, years ago, that what he had with Dave was much more than friendship. Of course, she had grown close to Dave very quickly, as Aaron had realized how well they worked together and began pairing them more often.
On his way home he stopped to pick out a bottle of nice Italian red. It would go well with dinner, which was (he hoped) going to be Mama Rossi's lasagna recipe. Dave was by far a better cook than Aaron was, but Aaron thought he could manage lasagna. He sent Dave a quick text asking him to pick up Jack at Jessica's house for him, then got started on dinner.
By the time he heard the garage door and Dave's truck pulling into the garage, he had everything set up. There was salad and he'd thawed a derby pie for dessert, and the lasagna only had a few more minutes in the oven. He checked to make sure the jello he'd made for Jack's dessert was setting, then he went to greet Dave and Jack at the back door.
Dave looked at him in bewilderment when he swung the door open. "You're home early."
"Thought I'd come home and help out a little." Aaron shrugged and grinned at him, hoping they could talk about things later, once Jack was playing.
"Daddy, guess what!" Jack said. He was clutching a paper in his hand and he thrust it out to Aaron. "I got all Es on my report card!"
"That's great, buddy," Aaron said, lifting him up and hugging him tightly. Jack's schoolbag swung down and hit him in the hip. "I'm so proud of you." God, soon Jack would be too big for this. It was incredible how quickly he was growing up.
"What's going on?" Dave asked, blinking and looking around the kitchen.
"Nothing," Aaron said. The oven beeped and he glanced over at it, but Jack was still hanging on him. "I just wanted to help out today."
Dave's eyebrows went up. "Ah."
Aaron fought back a scowl. He set his son back down. "Jack, why don't you go change out of your uniform and we'll have dinner." Then he held up a hand. "Wait. Let's put that report card on the fridge first."
Jack beamed and went over with Aaron to pin the paper up with a magnet. Then he turned and looked from Aaron to Dave. "Be nice, Pop," he told Dave. "Daddy only had toast for breakfast." He headed out of the kitchen and hit the stairs at a run.
Dave was looking after him, eyebrows still raised. "Sometimes I can't tell whether that kid is more like you, me, or Haley. It's damn scary."
Aaron chuckled and went over to press a kiss to Dave's cheek. "I've got a nice bottle of red breathing. Want to pour while I--oh shit," he muttered. He'd forgotten about the oven.
"While you shit?" Dave said, grinning faintly.
"Don't be a smartass," Aaron said. He heard Dave open the refrigerator as Aaron went to jerk the oven door open. The lasagna was black around the edges, and Aaron swore.
"Ommmm, I am so telling Aunt Emily on you," Jack said, and mentally Aaron swore again. He and Dave tried to watch their language around Jack, and last year Emily had laughingly said she was going to start charging them a quarter for every time they swore. She never actually did, but Jack took great pleasure in telling on them both. He told on Dave a lot more than he did Aaron...which probably explained why he enjoyed telling on Aaron more.
Jack pushed up next to Aaron to peer at the lasagna. Aaron automatically put up a hand to keep Jack from getting too close and burning himself.
"What's wrong?" Dave said, lifting Jack away.
"Burned the lasagna," Aaron said tersely. He sighed and lifted it out to the stovetop. "I'll see if it's salvageable."
Dave tousled Jack's hair. "Go set the table, please, kiddo."
Jack rolled his eyes but got the silverware from the drawer and went out to the dining room. As soon as he was gone, Dave took Aaron's arm and guided him further away from the door.
"What's going on?" he asked, his tone serious. His gaze was concerned as he looked at Aaron.
Embarrassed that he couldn't even do something nice properly, Aaron frowned. "Nothing's going on, Dave. I just thought I would cook tonight. I know I've been working a lot of late hours, and I wanted to do something nice to help out."
"By burning my mama's lasagna recipe?" Dave countered. "It wasn't necessary."
"Of course it wasn't necessary. It was supposed to be nice!"
"There's no need to raise your voice," Dave said, frowning at him. "I wasn't trying to criticize."
Aaron pulled away from Dave's touch. "Really. It sure sounded that way to me." He turned and went back to the stove. "I'll see what I can salvage from the lasagna."
He could feel the silence radiating off Dave behind him, but he didn't turn. He got a server and started cutting the burnt edges off the pasta. Had he gotten so abysmally bad at this that Dave was just used to being taken for granted? Was it really such a surprise that Aaron would want to do something nice for his partner?
"You don't have to do this, Aaron," Dave finally said. "If this is about last night--"
Aaron set down the knife and turned to glare at him. "My God, David, this is about doing something nice for my partner! This is about showing appreciation to the man I love by helping out a little. Is that all right with you?"
"If it means butchering my mama's recipes?" Dave shook his head dismissively. "This is silly. We both know cooking is my strong suit, not yours. We've got a good division of labor going on around here. Why mess with it?"
"Fine," Aaron said, his voice tight. Frustration and hurt were beginning to push down the embarrassment he felt at having messed up their meal. "I'll just let you deal with it then." He walked out of the kitchen to the dining room, where he found Jack already sitting at his place. He was staring at the table, kicking his feet against the rungs of the chair, an unhappy expression on his face.
"Were you and Pop fighting?" he asked quietly.
"Oh, no, buddy," Aaron said apologetically. "We were just...discussing. It wasn't a fight." He and Dave tried never to argue in front of Jack; it had become obvious after Jack came to live with them that arguments made him anxious, and Aaron didn't want his son to grow up feeling insecure about his family.
Dave snorted as he came in and took his seat across from Jack. "Yeah, Jack, we were arguing. Your dad's a stubborn jackass sometimes. But that doesn't mean we don't love each other." He reached over and tousled Jack's hair. "Come on, you fight with Diego sometimes but you guys are still friends, right?"
Jack pressed his lips together, then nodded. It made Aaron realize how much his son had learned from him when he realized he was pressing his own lips together, glowering at Dave. They tried not to fight in front of Jack, but Dave had the idea that they shouldn't 'coddle' Jack, while Aaron just wanted to protect his son from as much pain as he could.
Then again, Dave had grown up in a family that bickered and fought on a regular basis, but was still full of love. Aaron had grown up in a house where angry words led to angry fists, and he had learned early to bottle his emotions up behind a wall of stoicism. It occurred to him now that perhaps they had never discussed that difference. Dave knew about his father, of course. Aaron had always had trouble with thunderstorms thanks to an incident in his youth, and Dave was the only person who knew about that. But it reminded him of number three on his list of mistakes: 3. Not opening up.
He had tried to shield Haley from knowing much about his growing up. They had met in high school, after Aaron's mother had taken them away from his blood father. Haley had never seen the bruises, had only vaguely known that the reason Aaron refused to be the one to spank their son was rooted in the fact that he was afraid he would carry on the sins of his father.
Dave and Jack were both watching him, and after a moment Aaron cleared his throat. "Jack, will you say grace?" he said, and they all closed their eyes as Jack repeated the mealtime prayer Dave had taught him.
They ate in a brittle-edged silence, even Jack. He jumped and looked up guiltily when his knife clattered against the plate. It sent a pang of guilt through Aaron. Now the tension between him and Dave was spreading to include his son.
"What did you do in school today, Jack?" he asked, forcing a smile.
Jack began talking about his day, chattering and glancing from Dave to Aaron and back. Aaron made encouraging noises, and finally Dave began participating in the conversation as well. When they were finished, Dave did the dishes while Aaron and Jack worked on homework and then read a book together. Jack wanted to play a game, so he and Aaron sprawled on the floor of his bedroom with the board. Aaron kept expecting Dave to come in and see what Jack was up to, but he never did. As a consequence, Aaron let Jack stay up later than he should, just to put off facing Dave. He had meant to apologize for being late the night before, but that was before Dave threw his attempts at making amends back in his face.
Once he got Jack put to bed, he stood in the hallway for a long time, weighing the idea of joining Dave in the family room. He wanted to, but he had the feeling things would be uncomfortable unless they dealt with the tension between them, and Dave apparently didn't have any desire to deal with it. Finally he sighed and went to his office, though he left the door open in case Dave came looking for him.
Dave never did.
***
Aaron woke on the couch the next morning with a crick in his neck. Damn my pride, he thought, grateful that it was Friday and he had an on-site consultation scheduled in Baltimore with Prentiss. They would spend much of the day in the car, and Prentiss had served as lead profiler on the consult, so he would mostly be along for the ride. His head was already pounding.
As he ducked under the nearly-scalding water of the shower, he pondered number three on his list again. Last night had been a product of the second item, so he would have to try harder at not being stubborn. But opening up...that was something he could try harder at tonight. Jack was spending the night at Diego's house for a birthday party; Aaron and Dave had planned to go out to dinner when Aaron got home, provided they didn't draw a case in the meantime.
He heard the bathroom door open and close. Dave's sleep-roughened voice asked, "Did you ever come to bed last night?"
Aaron coughed and turned to face the wall. "I fell asleep on the couch."
"Stubborn jackass," Dave grumbled. Water ran in the sink and Aaron realized Dave must be shaving. "I meant what I told Jack last night, you know. I do still love you, even when I think you're being an idiot."
"Thanks so much," Aaron said sarcastically. Then he sighed and ducked his face under the water. "I love you too, Dave. I'm sorry."
"You don't owe me any apologies, Aaron. I just want you to relax a little. So you were late the other night. So what? It happens. Now let's just move on." Dave's razor tapped against the sink.
Aaron rubbed shampoo into his hair and wondered if it was getting too long.
"Jessica is going to pick Jack up after school today and take him to Diego's," Dave said. "We still on for dinner at La Familia?"
"Mm, yes," Aaron said, smiling finally. At least Dave wasn't giving up on him yet. "I've been looking forward to that all week."
He barely heard Dave's chuckle over the sound of the shower, but after a moment a hand pushed in alongside the shower curtain. Aaron's smile strengthened and he curled his fingers around Dave's. Dave tugged their joined hands and a moment later Aaron felt the brush of lips and whiskers against his fingers.
"God, I love you," Aaron murmured.
Dave squeezed gently and released his hand. "Me too, Aaron. Me too."
The day passed without incident, aside from Prentiss getting hit on by the lead detective they were consulting with. Amused, Aaron had suggested he have Dave come pick him up so she could go to dinner with the detective. Prentiss had made a threatening gesture towards her Glock, but Aaron had just laughed harder.
He felt better than he had in days. He and Dave were going to have dinner, and they were going to sort things out. Aaron would prove that he could--and would--make Dave a priority in his life. He would put Dave ahead of work, ahead of himself. Things would go back to normal. No, things would be better than normal. He wouldn't let this second partnership dissolve the way his first one had.
Emily slipped an REM CD into the stereo for him on the way home, obviously enjoying his high spirits. They arrived back at Quantico twenty minutes ahead of schedule and Aaron called up from the motor pool to let Dave know he was there. By the time he got up to the sixth floor, Dave had his coat on and was joking around with Morgan and Reid in the bullpen.
He grinned when Aaron arrived and pushed away from where he'd been leaning on Reid's desk. "See ya next week, guys. Got a hot date tonight."
Aaron felt his cheeks heat up, despite the fact that the team had known about their relationship since just after Haley's death. He still wasn't used to being so open about it, given the circumstances. Not that their relationship had ever affected their work. It had been a natural continuation of how close they were and how well they understood each other. Dave had come back to the BAU and back into Aaron's life just when Aaron needed someone most, and evenings of friendly companionship had slowly turned into more. The team had been unaware of it until Aaron had agreed to move in with Dave following Haley's death. It was one thing for a profiler and traditionally closed-mouthed unit chief to keep a secret; it was another entirely for a four-year-old who had recently lost his mother, and was clinging close to the parental figures he had left, to keep that same secret.
Morgan just grinned and slapped Aaron on the shoulder. "Relax and have some fun," he advised Aaron. "And you," he added, glancing at Dave. "If you get lucky, I don't want to hear about it."
They left amid the friendly laughter of the team, and once they got into the elevator, Aaron gave Dave a look of mock disapproval. "You know, it's behavior like yours that caused the Office of Professional Responsibility to forbid intra-team fraternization in the first place."
"No, it was actually Max Ryan's sleeping with Erin Strauss that caused that," Dave countered. "My casual dating of various secretaries and file clerks really was below the radar until then."
Aaron laughed and followed Dave out to his car.
It turned out to be even more difficult to open up than he'd imagined. Of course, it didn't help that Dave knew nothing about his plan and spent half the dinner talking about the book tour his publicist wanted him to go on and how he didn't like the idea of being away from Jack and Aaron for six weeks, so he'd asked her to break it up into two shorter tours. Aaron was usually fascinated by all the aspects of the publishing world Dave had stumbled his way into, but tonight he really just wanted to accomplish his objective of sharing.
After the third time he had to ask Dave to repeat himself, Dave stopped eating his shrimp cacciatore entirely. He set his fork down across his plate and regarded Aaron for a moment.
"Am I boring you?"
Aaron straightened guiltily. "What? No!"
Dave's expression was unreadable. "Are you sure? Because I would hate to bother you if you're not interested."
"That's not it at all," Aaron protested. "I'm sorry, I know I've been preoccupied tonight." He reached across and took Dave's hand in his. It wasn't the sort of thing they normally did in public, but La Familia was one of their favorite restaurants, and the owner was an old friend. They were comfortable here.
Dave sighed and shook his head. "What's been going on with you lately, Aaron?" he asked. "I'm worried about you. This isn't the only night you've been preoccupied. You can talk to me. You ought to know that."
"I've just been thinking..." Aaron began. He paused, not sure how to explain it. He sighed. "I don't know. I just feel like we haven't talked as much lately. Maybe I'm starting to take things for granted that I shouldn't."
Dave squeezed his hand. "Don't be ridiculous."
"No, I'm serious," Aaron said. "There's so much I've never told you, like..." He paused, thinking, then felt his heart rate jump as he blurted, "Like the time my father broke my wrist and I couldn't go to basketball camp." He'd told everyone, even his mother, that he'd fallen off his horse. Of course, he'd always known his mother didn't believe him, but everyone else had, and that was what mattered. His mouth was suddenly dry and Aaron lifted his wine glass and gulped the rest of it, then licked his lips.
Dave's eyebrows had gone up again and he was studying Aaron. "You don't have to tell me things like that," he said quietly.
Aaron shrugged. "I...I regret that I didn't tell Haley those things," he said. God, he hated talking like this. His childhood had taught him at a young age that emotions were dangerous. Emotions got you in trouble.
"Aaron, please," Dave said. "You and I have all the time in the world to talk. You don't have to push things."
"Don't you see, Dave, I thought I had all that time with Haley, too. And so we didn't talk and our marriage fell apart, and then Foyet killed her." Aaron's hands were shaking. He refilled his wine glass and took a sip.
Frowning, Dave lifted a hand to signal the waiter. "Check please," he said, and Aaron's spirits sank. Didn't Dave even want to hear what he had to say? He sighed and looked down at his empty plate. Maybe he was going about this wrong. Or maybe he'd already damaged their relationship too much at this point for even this to repair it.
When Dave had settled the bill, Aaron drained his glass and stood. He didn't bother speaking; he felt chastened enough as it was. They made their way out to the Mercedes in mutual silence. Sammy Davis, Jr., was the only noise in the car for several minutes.
Finally Dave said, "What is this really about, Aaron? You can't tell me this is just about telling me your secrets. We talk all the damn time. What's going on with you that you feel the need to blurt things out like this?" His hands were tight on the wheel; Aaron could see that his knuckles were white.
He sighed and put his head back against the headrest. "I just thought you might like hearing things," he mumbled. He closed his eyes.
Sammy sang about just needing to be himself and Aaron could feel the pause in their conversation swelling, like a balloon about to pop. He'd had three glasses of wine at the restaurant while Dave nursed a single glass, and the third one had probably been a bad idea. He rarely let himself drink that much, but he'd always been able to relax around Dave, and since he wanted to share things, he'd felt the need for a little liquid courage.
"Are you sick?" Dave asked finally. "Has something happened to Sean? Jess isn't giving you any trouble about Jack, is she?"
Aaron shook his head. "No, none of that," he said, his voice tight. "I just thought you might give a damn about this stuff. Apparently I was wrong."
"God damn it, Aaron, don't do that." Dave was starting to sound angry. "It isn't that I'm uninterested; it's that this is unlike you. You're looking for trouble that isn't there." He pulled into the garage and shut off the car. "What has you so over-sensitive these days? Have I done something to make you unhappy? Have I made you feel inadequate somehow?"
"You didn't have to," Aaron said. He wanted the talking to be over. He just wanted to pour himself a glass of whiskey and go to bed. And at this point, he knew Dave would push things so they ended up fighting. He shoved the door open and hurried into the house.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Dave demanded. He followed Aaron, his boots loud on the kitchen tiles. "How can you ever think I see you as inadequate? Christ, Aaron, you ought to know how I feel about you. I came out to my devout Catholic family as a man who fucks another man, that oughta tell you something!"
Aaron clenched his jaw and poured himself a glass of whiskey. "Like that was such a problem, considering Franco's been fucking other men since you were about fourteen," he pointed out. Dave's older brother had made things a lot easier for Dave, even if his parents had been confused after Dave's three marriages. "Don't try to make this about my--my insecurity. That's not what this is about."
"Oh really?" Dave was standing in the middle of the room, fists planted on his hips. "Maybe you could explain to me what this is about then, like I've been asking for the past half hour."
"I just wanted to share things with you." Aaron said. "I know I don't share enough. Hell, Haley and I had been married for ten years before I even told her the reason I auditioned for Pirates of the Penzance was just so I could meet her." He tossed back the glass of whiskey and poured another. From the corner of his eye he saw Dave take a step forward, then stop. "I never actually told her that my mother lost a baby between me and Sean because of my father's violence. I didn't even discuss some of my concerns about our having a child--concerns that he would end up without a parent, concerns that she would need more help than I could give her..."
"Aaron," Dave said. His expression had gone strange, his voice gentle. He stepped forward and took the whiskey glass out of Aaron's hand, then drained it himself. "Please." He set the glass aside and settled his hands on Aaron's shoulders. Aaron was taller by a few inches, but Dave's touch grounded him in a way that made their relative sizes immaterial.
He didn't want to feel grounded. He stiffened, not meeting Dave's eyes. "I was relieved when she finally delivered her ultimatum," he confessed. The whiskey was kicking in, harder than the wine had. "It was just before you came back, and the only times we'd had sex in months were the times when I came home from work early and brought her flowers and--" He felt Dave's fingers tighten on his shoulders. "--and sometimes I honestly just wished she would just let us fuck without pretending we were still in love."
"Stop this," Dave said quietly. He leaned in and brushed his lips lightly against Aaron's. He tasted of whiskey and chocolate. "I know that your father hurt you. I know that for some reason you don't feel you deserve happiness. Aaron, I know you." He kissed Aaron again, more firmly but still chaste. "I love you. And of course I want to know things about you and your past and your feelings and your desires. But you don't have to just spew them all out like this."
He frowned up at Aaron. "We talk all the time. We talk about this kind of thing. Stop forcing the matter."
Aaron opened his mouth, but Dave pressed one blunt finger against his lips. "Stop," he said gently. "Let's go to bed." He kissed Aaron again. "I missed having you in our bed last night. It didn't feel right."
The fact that Dave was shutting him down entirely stung, but Aaron could feel the earth spinning and decided maybe it was for the best. He was obviously making a fool of himself, and Dave wasn't understanding at all, and Aaron was ridiculously drunk. Maybe bed was the best bet.
With a sigh, he let Dave guide him back to their room. Dave undressed him, interspersing it with slow, wet kisses that, on any other night, would have led to one of them--probably Aaron--being pressed tenderly down to the mattress for slow, thorough sex. Tonight it just made Aaron's chest ache, and he wrapped his arms around Dave to keep his balance.
When they were finally in bed with the lights out, Aaron let Dave hold him. He could feel the physical proof of Dave's interest, but he didn't want it. Not after their conversation had left him feeling hollow inside. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep.
***
Thanksgiving was fast approaching. Usually Aaron and Jack went to Haley's parents for the holiday. It had always been the tradition while Haley was alive, and after her death Aaron had kept to it, wanting to provide as much stability for Jack as he could. Last year Dave had gone with them, but everyone had been uncomfortable and Dave had ended up skipping out early. He'd made it clear since then, though, that he wanted Aaron to keep going. He'd agreed that it was important for Jack to have stability, especially given how much time he spent with Jessica while they were out on cases.
Aaron had always appreciated that Dave was willing to make that sacrifice, because he knew how important family was to Dave. He liked Dave's family, and even though they got together with them for Christmas, he knew it wasn't the same. Since Dave had shut him down on his attempt at sharing, Aaron had backed off a little on his pursuit of the list. But he kept thinking about 4. unwillingness to sacrifice . Maybe he and Jack should spend Thanksgiving on Long Island this year. Dave's mother had been in poor health for the last few years, and it might be better for Dave to have Aaron and Jack there. It would be a sacrifice, but it would be worth it if it made Dave happy.
The first time he brought it up, Dave shrugged it off, apparently not thinking he was serious. Aaron couldn't really blame him. They'd been just going through the motions since their dinner at La Familia. He thought they were hiding it well in general. Jessica didn't seem to have noticed, and even if Jack occasionally looked confused by the way Dave and Aaron interacted, he didn't ask them again if they were fighting.
Aaron recognized what they were doing. He and Haley had gone through the motions like this themselves more than once. It was just a trouble spot, and they would get through it. Aaron made himself come home at a decent hour every night, and he and Dave had dinner together, even if their conversations were a bit stilted.
The second time he brought it up, he and Dave were in bed. They were both lying there in the darkness, Aaron on his side facing Dave but not actually touching. He could tell neither of them were asleep; Dave's breathing was too even. Finally Aaron moved his hand until his fingers were brushing Dave's arm. Dave grunted an interrogative.
"I meant it last week," Aaron whispered, shifting closer. "Jack and I should come to Thanksgiving with you. He hasn't seen his Rossi cousins since July."
Dave took a long breath, then tugged Aaron closer, wrapping his arms around him. "Are you sure?" he murmured. "I know how you like to keep the traditions Haley started going."
"I do, but I want to be with you for the holiday." Aaron brushed his nose against Dave's jaw.
"That's a big sacrifice," Dave said. He tightened his arms around Aaron. "It means a lot to me." The words sent a slow flush of warmth through Aaron's chest. Lifting his head to kiss Dave, he felt as if he'd finally done something right.
"I love you," he whispered, slipping his fingers into Dave's hair. "I like it when I can do things to make you happy."
Dave's laughter was a low rumble. "You don't have to do anything to make me happy. You just have to be you." He pulled Aaron in for another kiss. "But this does make me happy. I love having you and Jack with the rest of my family."
"Kiss me again," Aaron ordered, and with a hungry noise Dave complied.
***
Wine glass in hand, Aaron slipped out the sliding door in the dining room and took a deep breath of crisp dry air. There was snow predicted for later in the afternoon, but it hadn't started yet. He loved the Rossis, but when the house had nearly forty people in it, he started feeling a little claustrophobic. Jack was having a great time running around with his "cousins", and Dave was playing poker in the den.
He heard the exhalation and smelled the smoke at the same time. Dave's sister Gina, younger by two years, was leaning against the house at the edge of the deck.
"Gets crazy in there, doesn't it?" she said, giving him a sympathetic smile. "I can't remember if Dave's ever said, do you have siblings?"
"A younger brother," Aaron said. He went over to her and shook his head when she offered him a smoke. "Sean. He's a chef in New York, so he's working over the holiday."
She nodded. "It was nice of you to give up Thanksgiving with Jack's grandparents. It really does mean a lot to Davey to have you here."
"Does it?" Aaron leaned on the railing of the deck and looked out across the frosty backyard. He sighed.
He heard her inhale another lungful of smoke, then exhale heavily. "What's going on with you two?" she asked quietly. "He's not sick, is he?"
Aaron stiffened, then frowned. Why was that everyone's automatic assumption? Were they really getting that old? Aaron was only forty-five. Dave was only fifty-six. He shook his head. "I wish I knew," he said finally. "He isn't sick. We've just...it's been a difficult month."
She came over and stubbed out her cigarette in a planter full of dirt, then dropped it in her empty Coke bottle. "Anything I can help with? I could take Jack for a week after Christmas if you want. Let you two have a little vacation."
He didn't know what to say. It shouldn't seem strange that she would make an offer like that. Not after all the years he'd known Dave's family. It still did. He liked Gina. She had married a construction worker who was killed on a high-rise project nearly twenty years ago, and she'd never remarried. They hadn't been able to have children, but she was the favorite aunt of all the Rossi children, and Dave's closest sibling.
He finally shrugged and took a sip of his wine. "I don't know what to say, Gina. I...feel lost."
She moved closer until her shoulder was against his. He'd seen her do this to Dave, though she'd never actually leaned on Aaron like she did her own brothers. It warmed him a little. "You still love him, right?"
"For all my life," he replied promptly.
"And I know he still loves you. He still has that look when you're around." He felt her shrug. "Plus he wouldn't be this sad if he didn't still love you."
A pang of guilt went through Aaron and he sighed. Had everyone at Thanksgiving dinner noticed it? "I'm doing everything wrong," he admitted. "I seem to be repeating every single mistake I made with my ex-wife. He deserves so much better than that, and I try, I really do, but--"
"Have you ever considered that he doesn't see it that way?" she asked.
"What way?" Aaron asked, feeling his stomach muscles tense as he automatically got defensive. Stop this, he told himself. She's trying to help.
She shrugged, her shoulder shifting against his. "That you're not giving him what he deserves."
He pressed his lips together, then shook his head. "I don't know what he thinks. It seems like we don't talk any more, and when I try...nothing comes out right. I can interrogate an unsub and reduce a defense attorney to gibberish, but I'm not good at talking about emotions."
"Oh, Aaron, do you really think he doesn't know that?" she asked gently. "Davey's known you for, what, almost twenty years? He's known you through a combination of three wives and two careers, and you've gotten each other through three divorces and losing Haley...and you think he doesn't know that?" She stood up and hugged Aaron tightly. He tensed, but after a moment he relaxed enough to hug her back, secretly glad she didn't have a cigarette in her hand. "He loves you for who you are, not who you think you should be."
Aaron pulled away when she released him, but he smiled down at her. "Thanks, Gina." They both turned when they heard the sliding door rumble open.
"Daddy, Pop says you have to quit hugging on Aunt G and come back inside," Jack ordered. "Uncle Franco and Uncle Jon are leaving and you guys have to say goodbye."
Gina cocked an eyebrow as she looked at Aaron. "Bossy kid you got there, Aaron," she said loudly. "I think his Pop's been a bad influence on him."
Aaron's smile widened and then he laughed. "Do you know anyone Jack's Pop is a good influence on?" he teased, then lowered his voice. "Besides me," he added, and they went in to say goodbye to Dave's brother.
A good number of the Rossis gathered for Thanksgiving either had to work the next day or had plans to hit the Black Friday sales early, but there were still a dozen people lounging in the living and dining areas, eating pumpkin pie and Chex mix. A football game was on in the living room, where Dave and his father and one brother were arguing about every single play the Giants made. Aaron helped Dave's sister-in-law Rosalie get Jack and three of his cousins to bed in one of the guest bedrooms, then made polite excuses and retreated to the room assigned to him and Dave.
In addition to the double bed, there was a recliner and a small writing desk. Aaron hadn't brought any work with him, but he did have a couple of journals he ought to read, and the latest legal thriller from Michael Connelly. He couldn't concentrate on anything, though, and finally he rested his head back against the chair and closed his eyes.
Gina had noticed things were strained. She couldn't be the only one, though she might be the only one who paid much attention. So much for the idea that coming to the Rossi Thanksgiving would mend things between him and Dave. Instead he'd probably made things worse by broadcasting the troubles between them to the entire family.
As strange as it was, Aaron found himself missing Haley. She hadn't been pleased by his romantic relationship with Dave--though she hadn't exactly been surprised, either, considering how close they'd been before. But they'd managed to build a peace between them before her death, and she would be able to tell him what he was doing wrong.
In those last few minutes of her life, she'd encouraged him to teach Jack how to love, how to smile. She'd wanted her son to be happy, but more than that, she'd wanted Aaron to be happy. It had been her blessing on him, and he'd always been grateful for it.
Just another reason you can't throw this away, he told himself. You have to try to deserve this. He was still thinking of ways to fix things when he fell asleep.
***
The drive home from Long Island to Virginia was virtually silent. Dave had been seriously pissed off when he'd come to bed the night before, and after a furiously whispered conversation about Aaron's hiding in the bedroom all evening, they'd gone to bed angry with each other. Aaron had slept badly and he knew Dave had too, from the way they'd both tossed and turned, but they hadn't spoken except for a few words exchanged at breakfast whenever Dave's mother looked at one or the other of them in puzzlement.
Jack was lost in a movie in the back seat of the Mercedes, and Aaron was grateful for that, since hopefully it meant he wouldn't notice the frigid silence between his parents. After lunch they switched off the driving and Dave went to sleep in the passenger seat. Aaron itched to turn on the radio, but it would only wake Dave up and probably annoy him. So Aaron contented himself with longing glances at the power button from time to time.
The minute they got home Jack disappeared into his room, and Aaron watched him with a touch of envy. Dave had been doing a decent impression of a pressure cooker since he woke up twenty minutes from home, and Aaron wasn't looking forward to the conversation they were about to have.
Dave went to the drinks cabinet and poured himself a glass of bourbon. "Why the hell did you bother coming to Long Island in the first place?" he demanded, and there was the opening salvo.
Aaron sighed. "It seemed like a good idea at the time," he admitted.
Dave turned to glare at him. "Oh, but once you were there, it didn't? Or did you change your fucking mind between dinner and halftime? What the hell did Gina say to you out on the deck?"
"Nothing," Aaron said automatically. "Nothing much. Just asked if things were okay between us." He shook his head. "I didn't think about anyone noticing..."
"Yeah, that much was obvious, you didn't fucking think!" Dave took a long sip and exhaled sharply. "I think every Goddamn member of my Goddamn family asked me if you were sick or if you were having trouble at work or if we were getting a fucking divorce." He snorted. "Apparently Cousin Todd forgot that even though two men can get married in DC, there are still anti-fraternization rules at the Bureau."
"I didn't mean for this to happen," Aaron said apologetically. "I'm sorry. I know I've made a lot of mistakes lately..." He sighed and thought of his list. Marrying too soon had been on that list. He and Haley had been too young when they'd married, and their marriage had barely survived his leaving law and joining the FBI. He'd only put it on the list in the interests of completeness, but he had to think now that perhaps it really did belong on the list. Maybe he'd made the same mistake a second time, rushing into a relationship with Dave shortly after the divorce proceedings began.
"Look, this is a bunch of bullshit," Dave said, his voice rising a little. "Yeah, you make mistakes. Guess what, Aaron? You're human! I know you'd rather not be most of the time, but it means you're gonna screw up. Big fucking deal. That's what apologies are for, and you've never had much of a problem with those. Your problem is that you expect perfection from yourself."
"Maybe my problem is that I pushed things too much," Aaron said. "Maybe this was all a big mistake. Maybe we got involved too quickly after my divorce." He turned away from Dave and paced over to the fireplace, where pictures of the three of them and Jack and Haley graced the mantel. "Maybe I asked too much from you."
For several moments all he could hear was Dave's ragged breathing, and then his lover started laughing. The sound was low and brittle and sent a shiver up Aaron's back. "My God, you're actually doing this, aren't you? You are the biggest fucking idiot I've ever met."
"Oh, thank you so much," Aaron snapped. "I was trying to give you a chance to--"
"You're trying to walk away from something we've spent four fucking years building together, that's what you're doing!" Dave shouted. He caught himself and lowered his voice, but he sounded no less furious as he continued. "You're looking in the mirror and seeing a man who can't live up to his own sky-high standards, and instead of admitting that you're imperfect but worthy, you're just giving the fuck up. You think I don't realize how hard this is? You think I don't get frustrated sometimes? Because you oughta know damn well that I do. But I'm committed to this, Aaron, and I thought you were, too."
Aaron could feel his temper rising the longer Dave berated him. He knew he wasn't perfect. He was far from perfect, and lately it seemed like even worse, nothing he did came out right. And yet Dave was calling him a perfectionist and swearing at him.
"Don't be ridiculous, of course I'm committed," he said. "But I'm starting to think maybe this was all--"
Dave took two steps towards him, the movement almost violent. Aaron actually flinched before he caught himself, and Dave stopped. "Shut up," he ordered. His voice was low and shaking. "Don't you do this, Aaron."
Aaron opened his mouth, but Dave snapped, "No! I won't let you throw away the best Goddamn thing we've ever had in our lives. You shut the fuck up." He bolted down the rest of his whiskey and then slammed the glass down on the drinks cabinet so hard Aaron was surprised it didn't break. Aaron stared at him numbly as Dave turned and strode towards him. Instead of touching Aaron, Dave went past him and out of the room. Aaron was still staring at the wall when he heard the door to the garage slam. A moment later a car started and tore out of the driveway.
Part Two
